The Way Things Can Get
by Mandoli
Summary: Chapter 9 now uploaded...it's the end for one of the members of the 4077th MASH. (You'll never guess who it is, either.)
1. Better Saved Than With Frank

Hawkeye and Trapper were sitting in the Swamp. They had just pulled another prank on Frank and Margaret. This time, they decided to bolt down the door to Margaret's tent right after Frank had walked inside.

Of course, Captain Hildebrand was at the 4077th to investigate everyone there and to determine whether or not the camp should be broken down.

"Listen," said Hawkeye as the two of them were rejoicing over a job well done. "The next time those two need to be behind closed doors together, they'd certainly be locked in."

As soon as he said that, Trapper stopped laughing.

"What? You don't think my joke was that funny? Tell me...what's the matter with it?"

Trapper stood up. "What do I think of that? I think nothing about it. Besidesmy mind was somewhere else."

"What were you thinking about? Another gorgeous nurse you'd like to get your hands on?"

"Yeah," Trapper noted. "That nurse's name is Margaret Houlihan. Now if you'd excuse me, I'm going to take the board off of the door and let the two of them go." And with that, he took off towards Margaret's tent with a hammer and a few choice words in hand.

Meanwhile, Frank and Margaret were still trying to get themselves out of the locked tent. But they used up everything that could take a nail out of a piece of wood. Suddenly, they heard a knock at the door.

Frank snapped as usual. "Who is it, and what don't you want?"

"It's me, Frank." Trapper replied. "I'm here to take the board off of your door."

Margaret was stunned. "Now that's something you don't hear every day," she said. Then she called out to Trapper. "What are you using? It better not be superglue or something you'd use to keep us in here longer than expected."

"It's not what you think it is. It's a hammer. Now stand back from the door."

Trapper turned the hammer around. With one pull, the nails came flying out of the tent and he opened the door. Of course, Frank wanted to run out and grab some air, but the door shut on his face before he had the chance to get his foot out of the doorway.

"You jerk," Frank said. "Now I'm late for my post-op duty. I hope you're happy!" He stormed out of the tent and headed to post-op. Trapper and Margaret remained. Before the door shut, Trapper held the door open so Margaret to leave the tent.

"Listen, Trapper said, his eyes sternly looking upon the face of Margaret. "I know I've been a real pain the butt recently, but I have good reason for it. Well, I don't know how to say it, but..."

Margaret's eyes were focused on those of Trapper's. He continued.

"...I think you're the most gorgeous nurse on the base of the camp. I think I love you."

Before Margaret could reply back, Hawkeye came by the tent to check up on his buddy. "So," he said, "it seems you two finally agreed to terms." 


	2. Margaret's Confession

_Dear Diary,_

_I think he's the cutest man in camp. Sure, he's a captain and all, and he's married with two girls, but this is some serious stuff. If I'm ever going to get his attention, I might as well do it when I'm working with him during a future OR session. You never know. Maybe one day he'll break up with Louise and go towards me._

_I think I'm in love with Trapper John McIntyre._

Margaret had just finished writing in her diary. It was the only thing that would take her mind off of Frank, Trapper, the war and anything else she wanted to get out of her mind. But after seeing what she had wrote, she couldn't resist writing one more thing in it:

_Did I mention I think McIntyre's pretty cute?_

She smiled at what she wrote, closed the diary and tucked it back inside the side table next to her bed. Just then, she heard a knock on her tent door. "Who is it," she said.

"Margaret, it's Frank."

"Who?"

"I'm sorry. Let me try it again. Margaret, it's Major Burns." Before Margaret could get up off of her bed to open the door, Frank had taken control and walked straight in. In his hand was a bouquet of flowers that he had picked for Margaret.

Margaret took one look at the flowers. "Where did you get them," she asked.

"I got them next to the minefield. They were the only flowers that weren't blown up in the patch." Frank then proceeded to hand the flowers to Margaret.

Frank, you know I'm allergic to mums, Margaret thought to herself. If you knew I was allergic to mums, then why are you giving them to me? Before she could utter those words, she said, "Why, these are gorgeous. Thank you, Major Burns."

Once again, there was a knock at the door. "Now who is it," Margaret asked.

Klinger walked in. Always trying to get out of the Army wearing women's clothes, he was wearing one of the most fabulous wedding dresses this side of the Pacific Ocean. "Sir," he said. "You're needed in post-op. Your patient is having complications again."

You could tell Frank was clearly starting to lose his cool again. "Fine. And by the way, you're going on report for wearing that ridiculous piece of clothing!" He stormed out of Margaret's tent with Klinger in tow. Margaret shook her head and headed for the Mess Tent, hoping she'd find comfort in the war surplus food.

When she walked in, she was warmly greeted by Trapper. "Nice to see you here," he said. "You can come and sit here if you'd like." He pointed to an empty part of the table across from him. Margaret sat down.

"McIntyre, I'd like to say..." She knew that she wanted to repeat the words she wrote in her diary, but she didn't know if Trapper would take it seriously or not. "I think you're...cute."

Trapper didn't know whether to react stunned or a bit happier than usual. "When did you think I was cute?"

"Well, it sparked on me the first time I met you. I knew from that point forward that I should try to get your attention and hopefully, I could see if things work out between the two of us. Besides, I think you're better for me than Ferret Face Burns. He's starting to creep me out."

Just then, the PA system blared the announcement of wounded. It was time to put the love interest to the test.


	3. Trapper's Damned Phone Call

Five long hours passed since the last bunch of wounded came into the 4077th. Hawkeye and Henry were trying to fix up a badly injured artery near some kid's heart, Frank was just about done with a leg case, and Trapper and Margaret were...well, not only performing surgery. They were discussing their little meeting in the Mess Tent.

Just then, Radar came in. With his hand over the untied mask, he spoke up. "Trapper, Sir, you got a call from your wife."

"What kind of call was it?"

"Well, she'd only say that it was nice knowing you, but she can't take the pressure of having a husband who was in the Army. She needed to find another man to be with."

Trapper was speechless. "Damn it," he said. "Major, close for me. Henry, how many more do we have left?"

"We can spare you, McIntyre," Henry said. "Go see what the problem is with your personal life. Radar..."

Before Henry could finish what he wanted to finish, Radar replied back, "...get McIntyre's wife on the phone. See if she wants to talk to her husband."

Henry had that look on his face like he didn't want Radar to say what he was going to say before he did.

"Please, I promise I'm coming home in one piece. You do want me to return on foot, right? Okay then, so why don't you want to be with me anymore?"

It was a tough time trying to get his wife to listen to him. Trapper was doing everything he could do to try to be with his wife when he got home, but nothing in his power was working.

"Fine then. Tell Kathy and Becky that I love them. Okay, okay. Bye." He hung up the phone.

Hawkeye burst into Radar's office with two martinis in hand. He set one down by the phone, hoping that his buddy would accept it. Trapper just gave it back to him. "Here," he said. "I don't need one."

"Why not? Is it something I did? Is it something I'm going to do but haven't done it yet?"

"Nope. It's nothing about you. I'm done with her. As soon as I get back to the States, we're getting divorced." Trapper started to cry as soon as he said that. "Can I have that martini now? Maybe that will take the pain off of it."

Hawkeye gave the martini to Trapper. "Let's go back to the Swamp. You're starting to look like a train wreck as we speak. You need the rest."

At that moment, Margaret ran up to the two of them. "McIntyre," she said. "Are you all right? Did everything work out between the two of you?"

Trapper shook his head, indicating to the Major that things didn't work out the way he wanted it to go. Margaret was starting to feel sorry for Trapper. She gave him a kiss on the lips and said to him, "Maybe when you're feeling a little better, you can come to my tent and we can talk about this."

McIntyre knew he was gaining a friend just as quickly as he was losing a few valuable people in his life, but how long would it last for him? Would being with Margaret be too much for him? 


	4. Not Your Typical Tokyo R&R

It had been exactly one month since Trapper had to listen to the one phone call that would change his life forever. He was feeling a lot better mentally, but every time he'd go on a date with a nurse, he'd start thinking of his ex-wife and call the date off on a count of "emotional distress". Hawkeye and Henry could tell that Trapper was not at his best in the OR sessions as well, so Henry gave Trapper a week of R&R at Tokyo to bring his morale up. 

Margaret couldn't believe that Trapper still had feelings towards his ex-wife, and she tried to put all of the attention on her by acting more like the nurses. She'd get all dolled up, waiting for the perfect chance to jump all over the distraught Captain. But for some reason, nothing would work. When she heard that he was to go to Tokyo for a week, she knew she had to follow him.

"Colonel, I'd like to have three days of R&R in Tokyo. Please. It's very important," Margaret said to Henry a day after Trapper had left. "I'm getting very sick and tired of Frank following me around. If I walk into my tent, I'm sure he'll follow me in and try to...well, seduce me or something along the lines of that!"

Henry couldn't believe what the Major was saying. "Well then...let me see what I can do for you. Radar..."

The short Corporal walked into Henry's office with a 3-day pass to Tokyo in his hand. "Here you go, Sir," Radar said. "A 3-day pass for the Major Missus to go to Tokyo." He gave the slip of paper to Henry for him to sign.

"You just have fun on your trip. Don't worry about anything. If one of the nurses screws up, I'm sure Major Burns will be on my back, waiting for me to punish her." And with one salute, Margaret was off to the land of the rising sun, hoping to spend a rising and setting sun with Trapper.

Meanwhile, in one of Tokyo's popular military bars, Trapper was washing away his sorrows with a martini. "Damn it," he said to the now empty room. "Why does everything have to happen to me? First, I get sucked into the war. Then my ex-wife divorces me and I can't see my kids. This sucks."

Just then, a familiar voice piped up from the entrance of the bar. "You're just the face I wanted to see." It was Margaret, finally glad to see Trapper's face for the first time in a day. "Is this seat taken?" Before Trapper could get a word in edgewise, Margaret took the empty seat between himself and a very drunk 2-star General.

"Why are you here," the Captain declared. "I thought I told Henry that I didn't want to be seen by someone from the camp. I guess his short-term memory kicked in."

"I came by to see if you were all right. And I wanted to see your handsome face."

Trapper's eyes widened. "How's this for a scenario: the two of us go back to my room and we can talk about each other's lives and medical profiles. That sound like a good idea?"

Margaret smiled. She knew she'd been struck by Cupid's arrow when Trapper said that, but she didn't want to sound so love struck in front of him. "You know something? I think that's starting to sound like a perfect night to me."

As the two of them walked out of the bar, Trapper put his arm around Margaret's waist. He then spun her around so her eyes made direct contact with his. And the two of them kissed for the longest time. They knew it was going to be the start of something, but they didn't know what they were going to start. In their minds, they really didn't care.

Later that night, as the sound of music started to fill the air, Trapper and Margaret laid in bed together. There were a few small pecks on the cheek here and there, but they had done something that would make even the most romantic soldier jealous.

"That session was great," Margaret said, staring straight up at the ceiling. "I hope Frank doesn't find out about this. He'd harass me for the rest of the war."

Trapper smiled. "Let's make sure he doesn't, and hope that he doesn't squeeze the truth out of us." He gave a little chuckle after that.

After he said that, the two bedspread-covered soldiers looked out the window, only to catch the rising sun and the start of a brand new relationship.

**(Author's Note: This is not...I repeat, this is NOT the end of the story. There's more to come. Will Frank ever find out what happened? If so, what will he do about it? Will Margaret and Trapper ever forgive Frank if he does find out? That and more is still to come!)**


	5. Baby, You're MY Better Half

**(Author's Note: Some of the following chapter is from Keith Urban's You're My Better Half. I know it's not 1950's music, but I figure that the person who uses the lyrics to the song must really have feelings towards a certain someone in camp.)**

The 4077th was in the middle of a very quiet night. Hawkeye was in the middle of a post-op shift, Henry was in his tent, sleeping with one Lieutenant Leslie Scorch, and Margaret and Trapper were still in Tokyo, preparing to return the next day. At this hour, if you weren't on post-op duty, then you were asleep.

But there was one person who couldn't doze off. It was Frank. For some strange and perverted reason, his mind was set on Margaret and what she could be doing on R&R. He turned on the light near his writing table, grabbed a pen and a notepad, and started to write what appeared to be a letter. After a few crossouts and rewrites, he re-read what he had just written:

_Dear Margaret,_

_I'm starting to see you hanging out with Pierce and McIntyre these days. Especially McIntyre. Is there really something that you see in him that you never saw in me?_

_Don't ask why I wrote that. It's just that we never get to spend time and do anything together anymore. Every time you come to the Swamp, you'd like to be with McIntyre, leaving me in the dust. I just don't get it!_

_You used to agree with me whenever I said that McIntyre's one of the biggest jackasses in this camp. And now you think the man's drop dead sexy?_

_Margaret Houlihan, I have feelings for only one person in my life. And that person is you. So, in spite of all the things that have happened so far, I have come up with the following message for you..._

_It's the sweet love that you give to me That makes me believe we can make it through anything 'Cause when it all comes down And I'm feeling like I'll never last I just lean on you 'cause baby You're my better half_

_Signed,  
Frank_

He stuck the letter in an empty envelope and brought it over to Margaret's tent. He stuck the envelope under the door. "I hope you still have feelings for me," Frank said.


	6. He's Not Your Punching Bag

Frank awoke the next morning to the sound of a Jeep horn. He looked around the Swamp for Hawkeye. "Good. It's not Pierce," he muttered to himself. "So who the hell is making that noise?" Without a second's notice, Frank got dressed and shuffled over to a parked Jeep. 

"Oh...my...God..."

There was a crowd around Trapper and Margaret, who had just returned from R&R in Tokyo...in a drunken state, nonetheless. The rest of the doctors and nurses were glad to see the two of them back safe and sound. Margaret started screaming. "Where's Ferret Face," she said.

Frank wasn't too pleased to hear his nickname from her. He walked over to his former companion. "Don't call me Ferret Face again, Major. Even a superior officer should know better," Frank huffed. "By the way, you have a letter waiting for you in your tent. I think you should go take a look at it when you get a chance."

Margaret nodded her head and raised her index finger, indicating that she'd look at it later. "When I get off of my post-op shift tonight," she said.

A few hours later, after she had come off of her shift, Margaret opened Frank's letter addressed to her. She was clearly pissed off once she read the contents of it. _Trapper John's a jackass? She's the only person in Frank's life?_ Margaret had enough of the letter. She droppedit on the ground and stormed out of her tent.

She was out for blood...Frank's blood.

Margaret headed towards the Swamp, hoping to find the man who called Trapper a "jackass" in the letter. Once she arrived, she banged on the door. Hawkeye let her know she was welcome to come in. She saw him and Trapper holding Frank steady.

With one swing of her fist, she landed a punch. When she looked up, she gasped. "What have you done," Hawkeye yelled. He then ran out of the Swamp and towards Henry's office.

Henry and Radar were discussing tomorrow's duty roster when Hawkeye rushed in. "Henry," he said. "Margaret just knocked one of your doctors out. You'll never guess who it was."

All three of them ran to the Swamp. Henry couldn't believe who Margaret had hit.

"Damn it! McIntyre, are you all right?"


	7. Apologies and Secrets

"McIntyre, I asked you if you were all right," Henry said. Trapper was just getting on his bed when he said this. "You know what happened to you? You know who this is?" 

Trapper started to bark at the others. "Yes, I know who you are, Henry. I know what happened. Just leave me alone at the moment." After some time to get his strength back from the punch, he stormed out of the Swamp and over to the showers. He knocked on the door.

"Is it all right if I came in?"

"Yes," the person in the tent said. She started to cry. Trapper walked in, only to find Margaretfully clothedtaking a shower. She was not in the best of moods at that point, and the incident in the Swamp didn't help. "I'm sorry I hurt you, baby," she said, sniffling.

"I know. It's all right." He wrapped his arms around Margaret's waist. "Will you tell me what happened? What's the matter?"

Margaret held back her tears. "Well, Frank wrote me a letter. In it, he said that you were a jackass and I'm the only person in his life. I think he's a piece of shit for saying that. The only person in his life is his wife, and even I don't think she cares enough for him to realize that." She started to cry again.

"Honey, don't cry," Trapper said. How about you take some time to get some rest. It's been a long night already, and I'd really appreciate it if you take your mind off of this subject. All right?"

"Yes. I will." With that, Margaret left the showers and headed for her tent. She still had Frank's letter on her mind, and that was enough for her. She grabbed a writing implement and sat on the edge of her bed. Grabbing a piece of paper, she started to write a little message:

_Frank,_

_You know that letter you sent me? I'm trying to hide the emotions that I have for you. I still have feelings for you, but you're not the only person in my life. I hope you can still forgive me if I say that Trapper proposed to me while we were in Tokyo during R&R. Please don't get mad at me. I know you're married (and by the way, I probably can't stand your wife) and can't get into a relationship during your stay here, but I hope that we can be close friends._

_Signed,  
Margaret_


	8. And We're Gonna Get Married

**(Author's Note: This is about what happened two chapters ago. I got a question about this in the last review I received, so here's the answer: Margaret accidently hit Trapper. She planned on hitting Frank, but he ducked at the last second. Her fist connected with Trapper's head, and well...that's the way the cookie crumbles. And now, back to the story...)**

"Margaret, are you really getting married to Trapper," Henry asked the female Major during another round of surgery. It was a week until the big day, and the doctors and nurses were anxiously preparing to see Margaret and Trapper tie the knot.

With a big smile on her face (hidden by the mask), Margaret replied, "Yes. We are. Can you believe it?"

"Not really," Hawkeye commentated. He was going to be the Best Man during the wedding, as stated by Trapper the night before. "It's more of a sudden shock going down my spine." He pointed to the instrument tray. "Nurse, could you hand me the Metzenbaum scissors?"

The nurse handed Hawkeye the aforementioned tool, turned to Margaret, and whispered to her. "Major, do you know what your wedding gown looks like?"

"Not yet," Margaret whispered back. "I think I'm going to free hand one and see how it turns out." She called for Radar. "Corporal O'Reilly? Come here for a moment please."

Radar walked over to her. "Yes, ma'am? You need something sterile or something?"

"No. I need you to be my dummy when I make my wedding gown."

"What wedding gown? Is it almost time for you and Captain McIntyre to tie the knot?"

Margaret rolled her eyes. "Yes, it's almost that time. I'll tell you when you should report to the Mess Tent. You got that?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"Now go get some more gloves. We're running low."

Without a sound, Radar headed for the Supply Room to get some more gloves. He ran into Klinger on the way there. "Hey, Klinger! Major Houlihan and Captain McIntyre are going to get married in a week," He said.

"Are you sure she doesn't need to borrow my wedding gown? It'll fit her perfectly."

"I'm not sure. She said she was going to sew it herself."

"If she needs one at the last second, she knows where to turn to." Another ambulance came speeding into the compound. "There's my call," Klinger said as he ran towards the ambulance with his high heels on. "I have to go. Listen, I'll talk to you after this session's over, all right?"

Radar nodded. "All right."

This was the start of a very busy week.


	9. The Death of a Major

It was the night before the wedding. Margaret and the nurses were in the Mess Tent for the bridal shower. She had gotten a few pieces of lingerie, and she loved them. Margaret couldn't wait until she could try them out with Trapper by her side. 

Meanwhile, the men were getting drunk in the Swamp. Each one had about three beers and plenty of martinis, but nobody seemed to care. Henry was there, and they knew that Henry wouldn't punish them for getting drunk during a celebration like this.

Frank, on the other hand, was in the Supply room, sitting in the corner, his hands covering his face. "Damn it, tomorrow's the biggest day in Margaret's life, and I can't believe I'm not happy for her," he said out loud in front of an empty room. A puzzled look came across his face. "Did I say that? Let me rephrase that...why the hell is she getting married to a nert like McIntyre? She knows she could have been with better people in camp. But no, she had to be with _him_." Frank got up from his corner. "That bitch is starting to get on my nerves now."

Back in the Mess Tent, Margaret stood up. "Listen," she said. "I'm going to go to the latrine for a moment. You behave for me, or else you'll be court-martialed once the wedding's over." She headed to the nurses' latrine when she spotted Frank walking across the compound.

"Frank, where are you going? What are you doing?"

"Margaret," he started, "you listen to me, and you listen to me good. This is the one thing that I didn't want to see you do since you got here over a year ago. What do I think of you getting married to McIntyre? For one thing, I hate it! Why you think McIntyre's the best thing on two legs here is one thing, but tying the knot with him is a completely different story!"

Margaret looked at Frank. "Major Burns, you're really delirious. Are you sure you're feeling okay?" The two of them headed to the Swamp, where Frank then barged in on the bachelor and his party. He went over to his footlocker and grabbed a gun out of it. "Frank," Margaret called from inside. "What are you doing with that gun?"

"Doing something that I should have done a while ago. Don't try to stop me, Major Houlihan." Frank then walked out of the Swamp and stood in the middle of the compound. "3...2...1..."

A gunshot was heard from all corners of the 4077 camp. Everybody rushed out from where they were at that time to see Frank lying in the middle of the compound in a very bloody mess. There were three bullet holes in the middle of his chest. Margaret felt for a pulse.

"He has no pulse..._he's dead_..."


End file.
